Snakes ‘n eggs

“Don’t bargain with God.  Be direct.  Ask for what you need.  This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in.  If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate?  If your little girl asks for an egg, do you trick her with a spider?”  (Luke 11:10-12, The Message)

Love others.  Always give to those in need – with your time, money, love, friendship.

Serving of fish.

But remember to evangelize them while you’re at it.

Hmm.  Live snake.

God loves everyone.

Egg.

Openly gay?  Sorry, we’ll take your tithe, but you can’t work with the children or youth.  Or get married.

A motherfucking spider.

God created earth from his love and made humans caretakers of its beauty and bounty.

Ah, fish.  Thank you!

Climate change isn’t real, and unchecked capitalism is God’s way for humanity.

Live snake.  Or maybe it’s dead because we have raped the earth of everything it has to give.

Jesus lived among and hung out with the poor and disenfranchised.  He stood up to the authorities for the oppressed.

Ah! An egg!  Thank you!  Now off I go to the protest for women, LGBTQ people, Black Lives Matter, First Nations rights, or anti-war protests.

Oh, respect the authorities. Don’t rebel against authorities God himself put in place.

Spider.

Read the Bible and do what it says.

Fish?

But not that version of the Bible.  It refers to God in a non-masculine pronoun.

Snake.  I fucking knew it.

Feed the hungry, care for the sick.

I’m scared to open this gift… a serving of fish? Please?

But make sure you tell them how to ask Jesus into their hearts while you do it.

Dammit.

We serve a mighty God of justice!

Sigh.  Egg?

So let’s pray for our troops to win this war against these Others who are threatening our way of life.

You know what?  You can keep your “gifts.”  I’m looking for something else, and I don’t think it’s here.

Wait!  Louder, more emote-y worship music?

No.

You want more conferences and books about “biblical” marriage and gender roles?  That’ll make your marriage happy!

No, it didn’t.

Wait!  We know!  You just need to pray harder.  Trust more.  More faith.

(Quieter) No, thank you.

(Gift giving is so over at this point.)

Well, we will pray that you find the healing you so obviously need. It’s not us; it’s you.

(Silence.)

Hello?

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